Marriage According to Erin -or- 18 Years Is Not Enough Time To Learn Anything Useful About Marriage

Today marks close to two decades of marriage for Jon and I—18 years and counting. Not to be confused with 18 Kids and Counting. 

I would love to say it’s all been peachy, but that would be a lie and a disservice to any single folks who are looking forward to marriage. Marriage is hard. It’s really hard. That’s not to say there aren't a lot of easy or fun parts, but it is work. 

To commemorate this hard-earned event I will share 18 things I have learned about marriage—one for each year. These are not listed in the order I learned them, or are even indicative of how well I have learned or implemented them. Let’s be honest—these are things I hope I have already, am currently, may one day or am semi-willing to learn about marriage:

1.  If it crows, it’s not always a rooster. (This is just a general guideline for all aspects of life.)

2.  No matter how many times you see them, your spouse’s feet can still gross you out.

3.  Just because you can have children doesn't mean you should. (I am not speaking to my own   

     marriage and children. This is just something I have observed about other people’s marriages. Who 

     said this list had to be all about my wedded bliss?)

4. The apple might not fall far from the tree, but it is often picked up by a Labrador retriever, chewed to 

    pieces and strewn around the yard until it no longer resembles an apple or the tree from whence it 

    fell. (This is not necessarily a bad thing.)

5. Once and a while it’s okay to admit you were wrong—even if you are 99.9 percent sure you aren't 

    wrong.

6. Don’t carry a grudge. Even if you lift with your knees, it will injure your back and your relationship.

7. It’s okay to say nothing. In fact, you can find out a lot more about a situation by closing your mouth  

    and using your other senses- even the sixth one.

8. Always be on your spouse’s side. You've got to have each other’s backs.

9. Make sacrifices for your relationship and family. It can often feel like these are enormous burdens, 

    but it usually turns out okay in the end.

10. Don’t let other’s beliefs about relationships, marriage, family or children dictate how you live your 

      life together. Only you can know what works for you.

11.  Being married doesn't mean being dull. Have fun and don’t be afraid to do things without your 

       spouse. Being together 24/7 is not good for anyone. (Even conjoined twins.)

12. Keep ‘em in the loop. Your spouse should be the first to know important information—not your 

      mom, dad, sister, brother, co-worker, dentist or barista.

13.   Be goofy. Don’t let life get too mundane and repetitive.

14.   Don’t feed each other in restaurants. Come to think of it, don’t feed each other anywhere. It’s just  
      weird and nobody wants to see that. (Unless they have some weird fetish and, if that’s the case,      
      they should at least pay you.)

15.   Do something to celebrate your milestones. You don’t have to throw a big party or spend a lot of 

       money, but if you make it a habit you are less prone to forgetting the date later when you get old 

       and Ginkgo Biloba is no longer effective for memory retention.

16.   Think before you speak. Counting to ten isn't always effective. You might need ten minutes or ten 

       days, but take what you need to avoid saying something you’ll regret.

17.   Learn when to say no and when to bow out. If it makes your spouse happy, is semi-reasonable 

       and won’t cause harm let it go. If it will contribute to the downfall of society (or just your house    

       because it attracts mice, termites and other pests) say no.

 18. It's just a movie, and you won't remember it 18 years from now anyway.

Diversions

Every weekday, as Jon and I travel to work we drive by a billboard with a riddle. The riddle usually changes every week or two.

*Today’s riddle: What has 6 legs, 2 heads, 1 tail and four eyes?

Most of the time Jon has the riddles figured out before I can finish reading them, but today I got it before him. It’s a simple riddle—too simple for Jon. Jon is a complex thinker and usually over-analyzes everything. So, this riddle gave him pause. I cannot lie—this gave me a small bit of pleasure.

Regardless of who figures the puzzle out first, I look forward to these small diversions from my day ahead.

What small things divert your attention in a positive way during a busy week? I hope they’re good.

*See tomorrow’s post for the answer to the riddle.

Feeling Asparagus?

I feel blue. I thought about this phrase all weekend long. When did the color blue become associated with sadness? Aren't there a number of other colors that are more appropriate? After an Internet search I am still no closer to knowing the true origin of the idiom- feeling blue. Some say its origins are in Greek mythology, some place it as a navy term and others just make up a bunch of random crap.

The color blue just doesn't seem quite right for how I am feeling. One color doesn't seem to be sufficient. Using the colors of Crayola crayons, I have made a list of all the colors I am today:

Asparagus

Black

Dolphin Gray

Olive

Outer Space

Shadow

Timberwolf

That is how I am feeling this week—in alphabetical order.

I feel asparagusblackdolphingrayoliveouterspaceshadowtimberwolf today.

I really don’t enjoy feeling like a 120 count box of Crayola crayons. I would much prefer to just feel like myself.

Is It Weird To Have A Favorite Toilet?

This is not my actual favorite toilet (it would be weird for me to be caught taking a picture of my real favorite toilet), but this one is a good representation.

I don’t like using public restrooms. It’s something I got from my mom and from my inability to tell a men’s restroom from a women’s restroom—that is a different post.

Anyway, this dislike of public restrooms becomes a problem when you work in a public building and have to share the bathroom with an entire floor of offices. I have become a little hyper vigilant about my bathroom rituals now. I have rules for my restroom use:

   1.      Only use the first stall in the restroom.

I once read in a magazine that this is usually the cleanest, as most people tend to want to go to the bathroom further from the front door. Even as I am writing this I realize this is probably not the case any longer because hundreds of thousands of people read the same article I did and are most likely now using the first stall. I am going to have to rethink this whole rule now.

    2.       Use more than one toilet seat cover.

One is most definitely not enough. The slightest breeze from the overhead air intake is enough to send the cover floating into the toilet water or move it slightly off-kilter. Using multiple toilet seat covers adds weight and more assurance there will be no part of the toilet seat uncovered when you begin to urinate.

   3.       Find a stall with railings on the walls. (In my work bathroom, this is the first stall.)

Railings give you something to hold on to as you hover inches above the toilet seat.

   4.       Never actually sit down on the toilet—even with multiple toilet seat covers. (See rule #3)

You really don’t know what’s on that seat (especially since you now know everyone in the entire building uses this toilet in this stall because of a magazine article they read).

   5.       Dress appropriately.

Don’t put bulky things in your pockets (that could fall out) or wear clothing that is too long and risks touching the toilet seat or, heaven forbid, falling into the toilet.

   6.       Do not use the public restroom for anything other than peeing.

If you have to do #2 at work, you need to hold it and start to adjust your “schedule”. Try taking more fiber before bed or doing squats as soon as you get up so you can use your own bathroom in your own home.

   7.       If possible, use the automatic door opener—the one with the blue handicap sign on it. (Fear of public toilets is most definitely a handicap.

Make sure to use a clean piece of paper towel to avoid touching the germy door.

   8.      Always follow up with hand sanitizer.

   9.       Don’t tell anyone about your rules.

You will sound crazy.

Update: I found this article, plus many more on using the first bathroom stall. The article says things like:

But the toilet seat is actually the cleanest part of the bathroom, one expert says.   ( I don't' believe it.)

AND

The middle stall of a public restroom usually has the most bacteria because people use it the most. "I guess people like company," Gerba said. The first stall will probably be cleaner.  (Thanks, now everyone knows.)

Harty Family Weekend of Fun (forced upon the teenagers)

Yesterday we went to Washington State University's veterinary school where they were holding an open house. We walked through the building and stopped at many of the booths to hear information about caring for your pets. We pet several dogs, got lots of candy and watched a military dog demonstration.

In one section of the building they had a horse and cow on display. The horse, which you weren't allowed to touch, had its bone structure and internal organs painted on its side. The cow had it's various cuts of meat painted on its side and you were allowed to pet her all you wanted. Seems a little backward to me—come pet and love on this beautiful cow and see how she is going to be divided up for your eating pleasure. She was so pretty and friendly that I actually devised a mental plan on how to sneak her out of the building and into my backyard.

After the vet school we got to hear our friend Eric's band play.

Then we got Little Caesar's pizza and Ferdinand's ice cream. Yummy!!!

Shhh... Can You Hear The Quiet?

Featured Post At Studio 30 Plus

Here is my featured post on Studio 30 Plus today:

Resigned to Accepting Poetry as a Useful Art Form

As an adult, I often feel indifferent toward poetry. Of course, when I was a teenager I used to write poems about unrequited love, how stifled I felt by my parent’s rules and unrequited love. In college I was forced to read a ton of poetry and interpret what the author was trying to convey—aside from the obvious.  (Note for next career: Become famous by writing poetry about being forced to write about poetry.) 

It was never enough to just enjoy the beauty of the words. You were always required to come up with some prose that spoke to the deep, thought-provoking message the poet was illustrating. Maybe the poet didn't have some underlying meaning. Maybe the flower garden was just blooming and beautiful that day.

Unless the poet themselves wrote about their own poem to explain the poetry to readers , then how the heck do we know what the poet was really saying, if anything at all? Some poetry professors will try to convince you the structure of the poem— iambic pentameter, haiku, cinquain, acrostic, etc., says as much about the poet’s message as the words. They are full of s#*@. I will prove it to you:

Tea

Hot, spicy

Steaming, swirling, reflecting

A soothing, liquid remedy

Brew

Just because I wrote the poem in this form doesn't mean I have anything else to say other than I like tea and it’s soothing. I am not speaking of something metaphysical or a spiritual awakening I have experienced.

 Just as we sometimes interpret our partner’s sighs to mean they have a deep, dark secret they aren't telling us (wait, is that only me?), everyone interprets poetry differently. I believe we interpret it based on what we need to hear at the time, or based on a past experience. We project our emotion on the poet so we have some company in our misery, happiness or anxiety. This doesn't mean what we are seeing in the poem, is what the poet intended.

 I write all this because I have recently changed my feelings about poetry and how it is interpreted by the reader. I recently came across a column, in The Chronicle of Higher Education, by H. William Rice. The author writes about how Robert Frost’s iconic poem,Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, helped him to understand his father better.

I feel confident I will no longer associate poetry with boring high school English classes, smarmy-looking college professors or rooms full of eager-to-please, artsy co-eds. I am more tolerant of poetry and how it can affect a reader—whether or not they are correctly interpreting the poet’s message.

 This change of heart doesn't mean I am running to the library to check out a dozen collections of poetry. I am just saying I now appreciate how poetry can be cathartic—both in reading and writing.

Look At Me When I Talk To You

I hate the phone.

I used to think it was an amazing invention- talking to anyone, anywhere in the world after just punching a few buttons. When I was a kid, we had a party line. You youngins' probably don't even know what that is. It's a bit of a misnomer- it was not often a party at all, just an annoyance. Our entire neighborhood shared a single phone line. Each house had its own number, but if one household was on the phone you could not receive a call, or call out. You could, however, listen to other people's conversations. Unfortunately, our neighbors never seemed to be having sordid affairs or be selling state secrets or anything. Usually it was just a bunch of older women gossiping about each other.

My point is that when I was young, talking on the phone was something coveted- my sister even got her own phone jack in her room for her birthday one year. That's right- her very own jack with her very own see-through, light up phone. I was so jealous.When I did talk on the phone (mostly as a teenager) it was to gossip about boys. Those conversations were usually held as I curled up under the breakfast bar winding the cord around my hand absentmindedly. Those were long conversations where I had so much to talk about the day wasn't long enough.

These days, I would much rather talk to people face-to-face (even if it's via Skype). I communicate so much with my face that a lot of what I say over the phone or by text message is lost. Sure, over the phone I can still joke around and use my tone to convey a message, but sometimes people don't know I'm kidding because they can't see me smiling, or they mistakenly think I'm kidding, because they can't see that I am furrowing my brow or putting my head in my hands.

Another reason I don't like talking on the phone? You think I don't know, but I can totally tell when you are distracted watching Deep Space Nine or using the toilet while talking to me, or painting your toe nails and have the receiver sitting on the floor too far away to actually hear most of my side of the conversation. If I am talking to you face-to-face you aren't distracted by everything else, and if you are, you can't try to disguise it. So I can easily say,'It looks like you are really busy right now, why don't we talk later?' without sounding like I am pissed off because you don't know that I know that you aren't paying attention so my voice conveys my annoyance and sarcasm (passive aggressive much?).

I hate the phone.