Starting a new decade of your  life is tough, at least for me. I had a hard time with 30 and now that 40 is almost here, I feel deflated. We all have an idea of how we want things to go in our life--where we'll be, what we will be doing, who we will become--but it hits kind of hard when you get to a milestone and realize you have either bypassed those things, or haven't quite gotten to them yet.

At work this week, as I was cleaning out some files, I found some papers from an Anger Management group we used to run. One of them is the Checklist for Hidden Anger. There are a lot of things on this list that describe me and how I feel right now. I have crossed out those that are not relevant to me, but it may as well be renamed-- Checklist for Turning 40.

How do you handle big birthdays? Do you have hidden anger too?

Apparently, my birthday makes me weepy. All night last night and this morning I have been on the verge of a meltdown. I thought I was above all that. I had vowed to be upbeat and happy about my birthday this year, but I have failed. I have come up with several lies to tell people when they encounter me and my leaky eyes (in no particular order):

• ·        I have allergies (technically this is true- they just happen to be nut allergies)
• ·        There is something in my eye (classic)
• ·        I put my makeup on in the car and the eyeliner poked me in the eye
• ·        These are tears of joy
• ·        Someone is wearing way too much cologne today
• ·        I just chopped an onion (I don’t usually do this at work, but there’s a first time for everything)
• ·        My eyes are so dry I have to keep using eye drops
• ·        I just watched that video where that one dog saves that one kid’s life
• ·        The jokes on the back of Laughy Taffys always bring me to tears (not in a good way)
• ·        It’s my birthday, I can cry if I want to (I’m sure this will be said with exasperation and anger, maybe even a sarcastic singing voice, leading everyone to avoid me for the remainder of the day- which means I won’t have to use any more excuses. )

Anybody who thinks I’m being a baby can suck it! One year closer to 40 is not as easy as it looks you snotty 20-somethings!!!!

Friendship Square, Moscow, Idaho

I keep reading these blogs that review the past year-- a year in photos, a year of milestones, a year of highs and lows, a year of new beginnings, a photo-a-day of a happy life.  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have no desire to look back over the last year. Frankly, it wasn't that great. I'm not sure I have high hopes for 2013 either, but I am reserving judgement.

I turn 3-- this month. Okay, so I turn 38. I thought I would have a lot more of my life figured out by now--if not figured out, then at least written in semi-permanent marker in a brainstorm pattern. Instead it's all jumbled up. It's not even good enough to put on a dry erase board. Instead it is written out on an old chalkboard with a piece of really fat chalk. The words are chunky and barely legible and every time I try to erase and do over I choke on the dust pluming around my head.

See, I can't even use a succinct metaphor for my life. It's messy, it's erratic, it's offensive at times and it's always complicated. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad (back to the metaphor)-- sometimes, right in the middle of my messy chalkboard, there  is a beautiful colored-chalk drawing of an idyllic existence. Okay, the edges are usually smudged and it doesn't last long, but it's there-- written in big, loopy letters with hearts and bubbles dotting the i's.

I hear people say all the time they wouldn't change it (their life) for the world. I think that's baloney. Sure, there are things in my life I wouldn't change, but there are a heck of a lot of other things I wouldn't mind tweaking. I would start with parts of myself. I would trim the fat, both literally and figuratively. Lose the pounds, lose the part of myself that is always stunted by the need for approval, cut loose my fear of failure and craving for pastries. I would smooth down the hard edge of self-doubt and skim off all the negative energy sitting up there in my head.

In the end, it's all about being happy. Happy with the choices you have made that create the life you have now. I guess if I am not happy with my life, then I am not happy with my choices. It just means I have to make different choices, better choices. I think I can probably do that in 2013- we'll just have to see.

If you could tweak your life or yourself, what would you tweak?

This last weekend was a whopping three days long. It was also Jon's birthday-- his 40th. In honor of his birthday, I stepped out of the house and let Jon, Kyle and Jon's brother play video games for more than 24 hours. I know- I'm that nice. It also gave me a chance to work a little and get some of my stuff done.

Saturday we had cake and ice cream and then Jon and I went to a fundraising dinner. The Moscow High School Bear Boosters have a dinner each year to raise money for sports at the school. This includes club sports, like my son's lacrosse team, which the boosters help financially. We hadn't planned on going, but at the last minute our friends asked if we wanted to fill in the seats at their table (someone had bought tickets but couldn't go).

I felt like a fish out of water. There was a silent auction before the dinner and everyone (they all knew each other) was mingling with drinks in their hands bidding hundreds of dollars on spa packages and tickets to various sporting events etc. When dinner came it was a pleasant surprise. Lots of good company and good conversation. Jon and I had ordered the beef medallion. My idea of a medallion of beef is that it is the size of a medallion. Not this beef. It was more like a beef plaque. The plate came with a ginormous slice of prime rib. It must have been an inch thick and 7 inches in diameter. Jon grunted in pleasure and I tried to figure out how best to eat it without looking like an indelicate pig (sitting next to the vegetarian who said it wouldn't be so bad to watch if the beef was free range).

This wasn't the actual dinner, but the meat looks pretty similar. You can see how this would be unappetizing to sit next to if you don't eat beef for personal reasons. Who am I kidding? This might make me drool even if I was a vegan who had never eaten meat before in my life.

We ended up having to cut the night short when Maggie missed her ride home from the ice skating rink. The weekend ended on a superb note though. Our friends Amy and Allan invited us to their home for dinner Sunday night. We had some of the best corned beef and cabbage and the night was so pleasant.

Good friends, good food, good conversation and a lot of laughter. What more could I ask for?