Friendship Square, Moscow, Idaho

I keep reading these blogs that review the past year-- a year in photos, a year of milestones, a year of highs and lows, a year of new beginnings, a photo-a-day of a happy life.  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have no desire to look back over the last year. Frankly, it wasn't that great. I'm not sure I have high hopes for 2013 either, but I am reserving judgement.

I turn 3-- this month. Okay, so I turn 38. I thought I would have a lot more of my life figured out by now--if not figured out, then at least written in semi-permanent marker in a brainstorm pattern. Instead it's all jumbled up. It's not even good enough to put on a dry erase board. Instead it is written out on an old chalkboard with a piece of really fat chalk. The words are chunky and barely legible and every time I try to erase and do over I choke on the dust pluming around my head.

See, I can't even use a succinct metaphor for my life. It's messy, it's erratic, it's offensive at times and it's always complicated. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad (back to the metaphor)-- sometimes, right in the middle of my messy chalkboard, there  is a beautiful colored-chalk drawing of an idyllic existence. Okay, the edges are usually smudged and it doesn't last long, but it's there-- written in big, loopy letters with hearts and bubbles dotting the i's.

I hear people say all the time they wouldn't change it (their life) for the world. I think that's baloney. Sure, there are things in my life I wouldn't change, but there are a heck of a lot of other things I wouldn't mind tweaking. I would start with parts of myself. I would trim the fat, both literally and figuratively. Lose the pounds, lose the part of myself that is always stunted by the need for approval, cut loose my fear of failure and craving for pastries. I would smooth down the hard edge of self-doubt and skim off all the negative energy sitting up there in my head.

In the end, it's all about being happy. Happy with the choices you have made that create the life you have now. I guess if I am not happy with my life, then I am not happy with my choices. It just means I have to make different choices, better choices. I think I can probably do that in 2013- we'll just have to see.

If you could tweak your life or yourself, what would you tweak?

Tomorrow I go back to work after a nice week and a half off. I didn't get anything truly productive done, and I am not ashamed. I spent time with my kids, read several books, slept in and cooked and baked for family and friends. I am a little disappointed my vacation is over. I don't think I am ready to get back to work. I'm not dreading it completely—I enjoy where I work and have great co-workers, but the kids still have the rest of the week off before going back to school, and I will miss having all day with them.

It does not quite feel like a new year to me yet. My husband has been gone the past five days, and this is the first new year in a very long time we have not spent together. I will feel better when he gets home tomorrow. So, I think I will start my new year tomorrow instead of today.

I am making a list (surprise, surprise) of all the things it would be nice to accomplish this year. I am not calling it a resolution—I hate that word—but a Things to Do list:

Things to Do (in continual revision and not to be confused with a resolution)

Okay, so I haven't started the list yet, but I will. Maybe the first thing on it should be:

Stop procrastinating!

Christmas is finally over and the next holiday—Erin's Birthday Month—will soon begin. Most of you know I have not always been a fan of my birthday. This year I am going to try to be positive and enjoy gaining another year of wisdom (and many more gray hairs). 

Jon is off in sunny California helping our friends Tony and Beth move with their mother to Colorado. He said it was 66 degrees there yesterday. It was 29 degrees here. I am a bit jealous. I can't seem to get warm. I am grateful for the bit of sun we have had recently though. It breaks up the dreary days a bit. 

I do feel a bit lazy lately. I honestly had every intention of being productive during my winter vacation, but those plans have gone the way of the warm weather. I read a whole book yesterday and am partway through a second. Funny how exhilarating it is to come to the last page of a novel. I hadn't realized how little time I have spent reading these past few months. Reading also makes me want to write. I found myself sitting up in the middle of the night last night to write down a sentence I had dreamt. In the morning it was a little hard to decipher, but it wasn't bad. If I keep doing this I could have a whole notebook of single lines, but very little sleep.

Maybe that's what I will write next—a book entirely out of first lines. I'm good at opening lines, it's the middle and ending ones I get hung up on.  :)

With the advent of the New Year people everywhere are making resolutions. I've noticed the majority of resolutions are to encourage people to do things like lose weight, become organized, find a new job, go back to school or finish that great American novel they started.
I think this year instead of a resolution of what to do I will make a resolution not to do certain things.
So here is my list of things I resolve not to do in 2010.
I resolve not to:
1. Give in to the '80s trend and wear leg warmers.
2. Watch any of the Twilight movies.
3. Use non-stick pans.
4. Look at the nutritional value of my favorite cookies before I eat.
5. Watch commercials (unless they are extremely funny).
6. Update my Facebook obsessivly every two minutes from my phone.
7. Ask my husband how his day was when I already know the answer (bad).
8. Set up a Twitter account.
9. Scream obscenities at the basketball refs during the UI games.
10. End any sentences with prepositions.
11. Stress bake.
12. Buy cereal that I wouldn't even eat if I was a health nut.
13. Find amusement in other's misery (there may be some exceptions).
14. Write columns about family members (unless I can conceal their identity so thoroughly even I don't recognize them).
15. Buy anything from a late night infomercial (which I won't see anyway because I'm not watching commercials anyway).
16. Attend beginning band concerts without ear plugs.
17. Help my daughter with homework until I have taken a mild sedative.
18. Spend more on fast food than on produce.

...to be continued...