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The Backward Life

“The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress.” —Philip Roth

Yesterday we went to Washington State University's veterinary school where they were holding an open house. We walked through the building and stopped at many of the booths to hear information about caring for your pets. We pet several dogs, got lots of candy and watched a military dog demonstration.

In one section of the building they had a horse and cow on display. The horse, which you weren't allowed to touch, had its bone structure and internal organs painted on its side. The cow had it's various cuts of meat painted on its side and you were allowed to pet her all you wanted. Seems a little backward to me—come pet and love on this beautiful cow and see how she is going to be divided up for your eating pleasure. She was so pretty and friendly that I actually devised a mental plan on how to sneak her out of the building and into my backyard.


After the vet school we got to hear our friend Eric's band play.



Then we got Little Caesar's pizza and Ferdinand's ice cream. Yummy!!!
Remember that scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation when the squirrel jumps out of the Griswold's Christmas tree? I am constantly on edge about this happening in my house, only instead of a squirrel jumping out of the tree onto Jon, our squirrel (or other woodland creature) is going to fall out of the tree dead and gross and contaminate all the presents underneath. Keep that visual as you finish the tale of why we have the funkiest Christmas tree in the neighborhood.

This is the first time in about five years we have had a real tree. It's a beauty, too. We found a big, full Douglas Fir that smelled just like the perfect Christmas. About a week after we got it decorated it began to dry out a bit. It still looks gorgeous, but it is shedding needles at an alarming rate, and I am pretty sure by Christmas Eve it will look more like Charlie Brown's tree than the perfect, full tree it was when we bought it.

About the same time it began to dry up, a strange smell assailed my nostrils. Almost two weeks in and I still can't pinpoint it. Just when I think it's the tree, I smell it in another area of the living room. I thought it was the dogs —they got baths; I thought it was the floor—it got a bath too; I thought it was the furniture—the covers, pillows and pads came off and got baths and everything got doused in Febreze. I am now almost out of ideas. I am close to taking the tree down, because I am now convinced there is a dead animal in the branches somewhere—the smell of rotting flesh swept around our living room by the breeze made from Lulu's tail as she walks past the tree.



Kyle suggested another alternative to the traditional Christmas tree:
From: http://cubiclebot.com/pictures/this-worst-christmas-tree-ever-fail/
He has a point. It would solve two problems—the smell and the lack of smell. The rotting flesh smell would be gone, but we would still have a nice pine scent.

We'll see how long the tree lasts.
I was awarded the Kreativ blogger award this week. This makes me feel very good about myself (even if it was awarded to me by a relative).
According to the award rules:

  • I must thank the blogger who nominated me and provide a link back to their blog.
  • Share 10 interesting things about myself.
  • And nominate 6 other bloggers to receive the award (informing them about their amazingness).
Thank you Judy, at Life...Minute By Minute for the nomination. I will try to do you proud.

Ten interesting things about me. Hmmm... 
1. I have a ton of gray hair and have decided to live with it.
2. My sarcasm often gets me in trouble- many of my readers already know that.
3. I call some bloggers I follow my friends when I talk about them – even though I have never met them. 
4. It drives me nuts when someone eats the cookie dough out of the bowl while I'm making cookies. (I've been known to throw a pretty good fit about it too.)
5. I care way too much about what other people think of me, even though I act like I don't.
6. Like Judy, the blogger who nominated me, I have not shaved my legs in several weeks. Only difference is, I don't plan on doing it anytime soon.
7. If my house caught on fire and I could only take one item – I am a little ashamed to admit – it would probably be my iPad. If I had asked myself this question 6 months ago I would have said my kids.
8. I get enough food caught in my ample bosom each week to feed a starving child for a year.
9. I still think the lyrics say, "Blinded by the light. Wrapped up like a douche in the middle of the night."
10. I think I could construct a mid-size dog out of all the dog hair I swept away from my baseboards this weekend.

And now for the nominees... (drumroll please)

Jenny at The Bloggess
Rachel at Come What May
I don't know where this picture came from, but it makes my point.

There are way too many babies around lately. It seems as though everyone is either pregnant, has a newborn, or has a child under the age of one. They are in my office, my neighborhood, my favorite hangouts and on TV. Luckily, they are not in my house.

I used to get a deep yearning in my uterus every time I saw a baby - even an ugly baby. I would want to touch the baby's head, rub my fingers along its hairline and touch its little nose and small ears. I would get the urge to smell it and my arms would, of their own volition, reach out to hold it.

Now I see a baby and my first reaction is to smile and turn the other direction. Then I want to make sure anyone who is touching the baby has washed their hands and sanitized - both for the baby's sake and theirs.

Babies are gross.

Once you've had one, you're allowed to say that without judgement. Granted, there are a few babies I particularly enjoy, but they are related to me, so I don't think they technically count in the gross babies category (it really does depend on the day though).
My sweet nephew Aiden.


Reasons Babies Are Gross:

Babies have multiple bodily fluids emitting from many different places without a predictable timeline.

When babies get pimples everyone thinks it's cute. GAG- pimples are always gross.

Babies are like dogs. If you don't watch them they will eat anything.


When babies get teeth- biting is almost always acceptable. I'm not allowed to bite anyone unless I am being attacked in a dark alley- and even then, I might get some sort of disease, so I probably wouldn't do it anyway. So unfair.

Babies can make you feel really bad about yourself. Some babies love me, but with others it's like they have an Erin counter on them (like a Geiger counter). The closer they get to me the louder they scream.

Babies never say excuse me when they pass gas, yet people think it's hilarious. If I fart and don't say excuse me I get nasty looks.

Babies use their shirts as napkins.

People post pictures of babies all over the InterWebs- like they are baby kittens and puppies or something. Nothing is cuter than seeing baby kittens and puppies on the InterWebs.

Irresitable photo of a bulldog puppy.

Babies are boring. They don't laugh at my jokes and they never answer back (unless it's jibberish).


See, what did I tell you? Babies are gross.

Jon was given a one-pound box of See's Candies today at work. See's Candies are not easy to come by around here. You have to drive two hours to get to the nearest store. Anyway, he brought them home to share with me — he was even letting me have my pick since it's my birthday tomorrow. We ate several pieces and then I took a small nibble out of each piece to see which ones I wanted to eat later and which ones Jon could have. (Aren't I nice?)

I left the opened box on my side table in my room. Later while we were eating dinner I noticed our small dog Ralph was missing. I found him on our bed, chocolate covering our quilts and his face and only one piece of chocolate left in the box.

I'm ashamed to say my first thought was, "I can't believe he ate the See's Candies before I could eat my favorite pieces." I then quickly turned my thoughts to my dog's health.

Ralph is only about 20 pounds and I knew the chocolate would make him very sick. I promptly grabbed the hydrogen peroxide and we made Ralph drink a bit to induce vomiting. Jon says he lives up to his name — he promptly threw up (even one whole chocolate was expelled) and we gave him a bath.  He seemed to be doing better and about an hour later he threw up again. Not just a little, but copious amounts of chocolate, nougat, nut and caramel vomit. Half of this ended up on our Chocolate Lab Lulu's back. (She was laying on the floor under the couch.) The irony is not lost on me.



Now we have two very clean dogs and a lot of dirty laundry. The two dogs are now sitting in their kennels looking very forlorn.

Whose to say a kid wouldn't eat their dog? In some countries they eat dog every day- they don't have turkey.

On a more serious note: As many of you know, PETA and I have a hate-hate relationship. After my first anti-PETA opinion column regarding a summertime advertisement, I recieved very unfriendly letters from a few PETA representatives. Well, no surprise, but they are building my ire once more.

I am always careful to say there is nothing wrong with advocating for animals, but ads like the one above, directed at children, raise my hackles. There are better ways to do this. There has to be.

I encourage anyone who would like to support animal rights to forego a membership with PETA and instead, join the ASPCA. They do a lot of good work and have a lot of good people looking out for the interests of animals.
See the full PETA story here:

http://bites.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/11/15/8819110-peta-hounds-kids-not-to-eat-turkey#.TsK1M0Ic5qs.email

The kids got a new sister this last weekend — a chocolate lab. We adopted a lab this weekend from the local shelter. She is only a year old, and we named her Lulu. She really is a great dog. We have not been eager to get another dog since Dot died. I mean, how can you replace perfection in a pet?


But, we are soon to move into a bigger house, and we decided it was time. My mom was here visiting for the week so she went with us, and I have to say, it was love at first sight — on both sides. Lulu seems to adore everyone.


When the girls left the house this morning she stood at the window for quite a while waiting for them to come back. Jon finally had to distract her with a decapitated stuffed animal.

We are fortunate to have found such a loving, well-behaved dog. It's nice to have a pet in the house again. Nothing against our leopard gecko Calvin, but a dog is bit more snuggly.
I saw this story posted today by the Associated Press and was impressed at how they incorporated chain saws, environmental protection, poodles, squirrels and humor all into one short story.


NC dog that nursed squirrels is doing OK

Story user rating:
    

Published: 31 minutes ago

In a Friday, March 26, 2010 photo, a trio of baby squirrels nurse on Pixie, a poodle owned by Gail Latta, in Henderson, N.C. the baby squirrels were left homeless in North Carolina when the tree they lived in was felled by a chain saw. Pixie still had milk after giving birth to her first litter of puppies a few months ago. After being nursed to five weeks, the squirrels were taken Saturday to a federal animal rehabilitation specialist who will continue raising them until they are ready to be released. (AP Photo/Daily Dispatch, Ashley Steven Ayscue)
OXFORD, N.C. (AP) - After three baby squirrels lost their tree-home to a chain saw, they found a foster mom in a 4-year-old toy poodle named Pixie.
Dog owner Gail Latta said she tried unsuccessfully to feed the squirrels canned milk. Then the North Carolina woman turned to Pixie, who had recently had her own pups. They had been sold, but Pixie could still nurse. Pixie treated the foster squirrels like her own babies.
After two weeks, the squirrels were old enough to be weaned, and they had to go. Latta said she learned she might be violating state regulations by keeping wildlife in her home.
Latta said Pixie seemed a little upset when the squirrels were sent Saturday to an animal rehabilitation specialist, but she's OK. Dog biscuits seemed to help Pixie's recovery.




I have a confession — I now own a Snuggie. It's not a genuine As-Seen-On-TV Snuggie, but one Jon got at Macy's for me. It is made from ultra soft, light blue fleece and it has pockets. Snuggies don't have pockets. So I think I could call mine a splanket (sleeves, pockets, blanket).

I have really been enjoying my splanket, but feel a little foolish — especially when I am using it and I see a Snuggie commericial on TV. People just look odd using them. Today I found a short piece on MSN where they got a volunteer to walk the streets of NYC in a Snuggie, to gauge New Yorker's reactions. You can find the article here. It has pictures and is very entertaining.

So to all those skeptics out there, yes the Snuggie, or any kind of splanket, is very comfortable and nice to use on a cold winter day. Don't be embarrassed to use it — at least not in the comfort of your own home. If you choose to wear it out in public I can't guarantee you will get the same result.

P.S. They even have Snuggies for dogs. Wow — there are no words.