Today was my children’s first day of school. Like most mothers, I both love and hate this time of year. I am ready for the structure of the school year, but I am also dreading it. School days mean the kids go to bed at a set time, we eat dinner together with frequency and I always know where they are during the day. It also means I can’t take a day off work and go shoe shopping with my girls or have lunch with my son, and we can’t have lazy evenings eating greasy pizza and watching old reruns late at night.

I really wish I was independently wealthy, (two years of my current salary would work too) so I could take a year or more off from work and spend all my free time doing things with or for my kids. I would be a stay-at-home mom who would pack special notes in their amazing lunches, have time to listen to everything they wanted to tell me about their day (the patience too), make new quilts for their beds, sew homemade Halloween costumes and have dinners made before 7 pm. Of course, I would also make time for myself so I could finish and sell my book in order to make even more money to stay home.

Before I know it, my oldest will graduate from high school and my daughters will soon follow. Soon I will not have the time I want to spend with them. Until I inherit a fortune from some relative no one has heard of, or I actually enter the lottery and win, I will have to squeeze as many extra seconds out of my day as possible. 

Today marks close to two decades of marriage for Jon and I—18 years and counting. Not to be confused with 18 Kids and Counting. 

I would love to say it’s all been peachy, but that would be a lie and a disservice to any single folks who are looking forward to marriage. Marriage is hard. It’s really hard. That’s not to say there aren't a lot of easy or fun parts, but it is work. 

To commemorate this hard-earned event I will share 18 things I have learned about marriage—one for each year. These are not listed in the order I learned them, or are even indicative of how well I have learned or implemented them. Let’s be honest—these are things I hope I have already, am currently, may one day or am semi-willing to learn about marriage:

1.  If it crows, it’s not always a rooster. (This is just a general guideline for all aspects of life.)

2.  No matter how many times you see them, your spouse’s feet can still gross you out.

3.  Just because you can have children doesn't mean you should. (I am not speaking to my own   

     marriage and children. This is just something I have observed about other people’s marriages. Who 

     said this list had to be all about my wedded bliss?)

4. The apple might not fall far from the tree, but it is often picked up by a Labrador retriever, chewed to 

    pieces and strewn around the yard until it no longer resembles an apple or the tree from whence it 

    fell. (This is not necessarily a bad thing.)

5. Once and a while it’s okay to admit you were wrong—even if you are 99.9 percent sure you aren't 

    wrong.

6. Don’t carry a grudge. Even if you lift with your knees, it will injure your back and your relationship.

7. It’s okay to say nothing. In fact, you can find out a lot more about a situation by closing your mouth  

    and using your other senses- even the sixth one.

8. Always be on your spouse’s side. You've got to have each other’s backs.

9. Make sacrifices for your relationship and family. It can often feel like these are enormous burdens, 

    but it usually turns out okay in the end.

10. Don’t let other’s beliefs about relationships, marriage, family or children dictate how you live your 

      life together. Only you can know what works for you.

11.  Being married doesn't mean being dull. Have fun and don’t be afraid to do things without your 

       spouse. Being together 24/7 is not good for anyone. (Even conjoined twins.)

12. Keep ‘em in the loop. Your spouse should be the first to know important information—not your 

      mom, dad, sister, brother, co-worker, dentist or barista.

13.   Be goofy. Don’t let life get too mundane and repetitive.

14.   Don’t feed each other in restaurants. Come to think of it, don’t feed each other anywhere. It’s just  
      weird and nobody wants to see that. (Unless they have some weird fetish and, if that’s the case,      
      they should at least pay you.)

15.   Do something to celebrate your milestones. You don’t have to throw a big party or spend a lot of 

       money, but if you make it a habit you are less prone to forgetting the date later when you get old 

       and Ginkgo Biloba is no longer effective for memory retention.

16.   Think before you speak. Counting to ten isn't always effective. You might need ten minutes or ten 

       days, but take what you need to avoid saying something you’ll regret.

17.   Learn when to say no and when to bow out. If it makes your spouse happy, is semi-reasonable 

       and won’t cause harm let it go. If it will contribute to the downfall of society (or just your house    

       because it attracts mice, termites and other pests) say no.

 18. It's just a movie, and you won't remember it 18 years from now anyway.

My husband is an artist, and by definition, is a little quirky. He is very funny, but can sometimes be too serious for his own good. The other week, he voluntarily joined in with my oldest daughter Maggie to dance with XBox Kinect game Just Dance. The result? The best 3-1/2 minutes I have ever spent. Who knew he had such good moves?

Whose to say a kid wouldn't eat their dog? In some countries they eat dog every day- they don't have turkey.

On a more serious note: As many of you know, PETA and I have a hate-hate relationship. After my first anti-PETA opinion column regarding a summertime advertisement, I recieved very unfriendly letters from a few PETA representatives. Well, no surprise, but they are building my ire once more.

I am always careful to say there is nothing wrong with advocating for animals, but ads like the one above, directed at children, raise my hackles. There are better ways to do this. There has to be.

I encourage anyone who would like to support animal rights to forego a membership with PETA and instead, join the ASPCA. They do a lot of good work and have a lot of good people looking out for the interests of animals.
See the full PETA story here:

http://bites.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/11/15/8819110-peta-hounds-kids-not-to-eat-turkey#.TsK1M0Ic5qs.email

I plan on making spanakopita for dinner tonight. This Greek dish is made with phyllo dough and is packed with spinach, feta and ricotta cheeses and garlic — lots of garlic. My kids have been begging me to make this dish. This surprises me, because this isn't usually the sort of thing they like. It might be they like it because I make them in little pockets, so they are great finger foods. No silverware required.

Jon and I were talking today about the idea of "work wives" and "work husbands". You know what I'm talking about. They are the person at work who you interact with as you might your spouse — taking or giving orders, writing a "honey do" list, finding yourself unreasonably irritated by their habits. During this conversation I remembered a commercial I had seen for an upcoming reality TV show.

This show, on the same channel as "Kate Plus 8 Minus 1 Because He Cheated," is called "Sister Wives." I told Jon about it and then this led to him telling me he had acquired a "work wife" without asking for one. (Kind of like Jeff on "Chuck" when he says that all of his relationships with women have been without their knowledge, but the other way around.) 

I decided that Jon's "work wife" and I could never be sister wives. She might just drive me crazy. To the point of inflicting harm on myself. This, in turn, would cause a problem for Jon. The police would have to come investigate and during the investigation would find out Jon was a polygamist and he would get arrested and his other wife and their 20 children would be all alone with no one to care for them until someone named Josiah from the colony across the street came and took them in. Jon would get out of jail to find his remaining wife and kids gone and he would have to find more wives, and it would just be a mess. 

Needless to say, Jon won't be taking another wife anytime soon, especially if it's his "work wife."

P.S. Did you know that some polygamist wives have a blog that tells the "happy" side of polygamy?

The Police Women of Memphis is a wonderful show. I just watched a police officer go to a woman's home because she was worried about her 12-year-old grandson that lives with her. When the police officer arrived the grandson had just come home from hanging out with some men across the street that may or may not be involved in ganges.

The police woman, a tall African-American, told the kid about all he was doing wrong and that she didn't want to come back and have to make a report over his 12-year-old dead body. Then (now this is the best part) she turned to the grandma and asked her what chores she had for him. Then she proceeded to tell the kids to get his butt in the other room and start vacuuming. He leaves and she says, "I don't hear no vacuum." Then the vacuum comes on and the kid starts to do his chores. She was awesome.

I need a police woman of Moscow who will come make my kids do their chores.

This is posted on the window of the local video store. Notice it tells patrons twice to see store for details. The sign is pretty big too.
I don't want to be morbid or anything, but you're just kind of asking for an unsavory clientele with this advertisement.

Sid is back!!!  He showed up at our doorstep, meowing like the sky was falling down, at around 6 a.m. today. He was clean, looked very well-fed and talkative. He did not let up on the chatter until around 9 a.m. He seems happy to be home and hasn't left my side all day.

I think he may have been temporarily catnapped, but he is back now.

My kids and I are so happy he is back. Thank you for all your words of encouragement.

For the past year and a half we have been without cable, satellite or antenna television service. We have rented movies, watched the movies we already owned and followed some of our favorite programs on our computers. Not having the distraction TV affords has enabled me to get a lot of work done. For the past three months or so Jon has been dropping what he thinks are subtle hints about getting satellite service again. When the winter break hit I caved and a friend of ours came to do the installation. Jon and the kids were gone this day and I had the house to myself. I did not turn the TV on once, just used the time to clean the kitchen and get some bills paid. I think I was preparing myself.

I am not proud, but I have in the past two weeks, spent several hours watching TV when I should have been doing something, anything. My house is pretty clean, I don't have any work that is being neglected, yet I feel terrible guilt at the amount of time I have spent watching shows I wouldn't bother with if I had only my Internet connection to watch them through.

Jon stayed up late the other day and came across a show he swore I had to see. He taped two episodes for me and I have just finished watching them back-to-back, taking breaks only when it got too graphic. Yes, graphic. Not in the sexual innuendo and blood and gore kind of way. In the 'I can't believe someone can live in that filth' kind of way.

The show is called Hoarders. People, with obvious psychological problems, get help cleaning their home in order to keep their children, keep their animals and sustain their health. While the show is extremely disturbing, it is like a car wreck, you just can't turn away. (Okay, I did turn away several times when I thought I might become ill.)

I have said before that watching shows like Nanny 911 make me feel like a better parent, well this show makes me feel like a fantastic housekeeper. And that is saying something. Ask anyone who knows me, especially my mom. When I was a kid, you couldn't find my bed through all the toys and clothes. I am much better today, but I still don't have my mom's clean-in-the-middle-of-the-night-because-you-can't-sleep ability.

So today I am feeling like I am one of the neatest people on the planet. Well, I do feel the need to scrub my toilet, maybe more than once. Not because it is extremely dirty, but because the ones I saw on TV today made me want to vomit and I don't ever want mine to come even close to looking like that.

In Portland for Spring Break we got the chance to visit Saturday Market. (one of our favorite places to go.)  Moira pointed out several times though, it can't be Saturday Market if we are going on Sunday.  

For the first time in years we encountered an old friend at the market- Elvis.  Elvis has been a staple in Portland for many years.  When we first met Elvis he played a rubber guitar and wore a Mickey Mouse t-shirt. ***  This visit he was dressed up in his black, bedazzled jump suit playing an actual guitar.  Albeit, he only played one chord and the words to the songs were sometimes mumbled and incoherent.  

Maggie got the chance to sing the chorus to one song.  Our friend Tony told us the story of the one time when Elvis went missing.  Everyone in Portland was in an uproar.  It was reported in The Oregonian and people were worried.  He turned up a week later- turns out he went to Disneyland.  

We made sure to fill Elvis' jar with some bills and he then sidled up to Tony, put his arm around him and told him, "You know I do parties too, right?"

Awww, Elvis!!!

***when we get home I will post pictures of our first Elvis encounter.