I'm closer to 40 than 30, or even 35 at this point, and it feels as though everyone is in their groove but me. I do recognize how whiny I've been lately, but just go with it- you obviously don't mind, if you keep coming back. Either that, or you derive pleasure from knowing someone else (being me) is worse off than you. Whatever the reason, take a break from your wonderfully put together life and read about how mine is so un- put together. Also, to make it seem less depressing, I will give one positive thing for every negative thing. See, I'm not a total loser. Ok, that's not true. I may seem balanced, but it comes from working with psychologists all day and editing their articles and reading the links they share via email. Fake it 'til you make it.

1. I have an education I don't use in its entirety.
                  - At least got an education.
2. My entire future hinges on the job market for Art professors.
                  - Baby boomers are starting to retire.
3. I haven't gotten a consistent amount of sleep in a week.
                  - I have perfected writing things down in the dark.
4. I have library books that are due, but I haven't finished reading them.
                   - We have a library.
5. The hardwood floor in my foyer is covered with enormous, ugly, mismatch rugs so no one gets four-inch splinters in their feet.
                   - I don't currently have any four-inch splinters in my feet.
6. I desperately want to sit on my couch and eat an entire cake, but I can't have grains, or sugar, or butter.
                   - I can still eat bacon.
7. I don't own a house- not even a small one. I'd settle for a shed that's all mine.
                   - I don't have to pay property taxes or worry about how I'm going to pay to fix the roof.
8. I can't afford to send my kids to fancy music camps in New England.
                   - I can afford a summer pool pass.
9. I signed up for a zumba class, but what I really want to do is just watch while eating a bowl of ice cream.
                   - No one there knows me, so I could get away with not attending.
10. I haven't had a true vacation in several years.
                   - I live in a beautiful area where there are many opportunities for staycations.
11. I think I need bi-focals.
                   - Sorry, I can't find a positive here. At least I can see???
12. My dogs are more excited about getting up at 5:30 than I am.
                   - Just two more months and I can start getting up at 6:30.
13. Half my clothes have stains on them and I don't have infants or toddlers to use as an excuse.
                  - The stains can usually be camouflaged or covered with a sweater or something.
14. I have not met my potential.
                  - Not sure what my potential is, so I could have met it without knowing.

Last week I went for a walk around campus and ended up at the library. Ok, who am I kidding? I always end up at the library. Anyway, from the top of the Terrell Library you can look through the skylight and see down into the rotunda. It's a beautiful building.

On the ground floor of the library there were rows of chairs set up, along with a baby grand piano and a few tables. I decided to find out what was going on- hoping there was a recital I could stay for. As I entered the library, I saw a large sign with a photo of John Tarnai - it was a memorial service. Tarnai worked for more than 30 years in the Social and Economic Sciences Research Center. He had served as the director of SESRC since 1996.

I know all this because a nice woman came up as I was looking at the sign and asked if I was attending. I told her I had never met Tarnai, and asked her who he was. After telling me about his service at Washington State University, she directed my gaze to a table on the edge of the room.

The long table was covered with library books. There had to be more than a hundred - most were pretty unique from their neighbors. There were books on writing and journalism, entomology and chemistry, research and economics and many others. The woman let me take them all in before telling me they had placed them there so attendees could understand a little more about Tarnai's personality. She told me all of the books on the table had been found in his office after his death. All of them were books from libraries on campus and, from what she said, the majority of them were recommendations. She said he would come to the library to check out a book a colleague had recommended, or he had been wanting to read, and he would leave with several books recommended to him by the librarian who helped him. It sounded like he tried to read them all.

I couldn't stay for the memorial, since it started later and I had to get back to work, but I am told they shared stories about Tarnai that had been sent in by people from all over the country. People who had worked with him, corresponded  with him, or knew and used his research.

I hope there are such stories about me when I die, and I really hope they involve books.