Today was my children’s first day of school. Like most mothers, I both love and hate this time of year. I am ready for the structure of the school year, but I am also dreading it. School days mean the kids go to bed at a set time, we eat dinner together with frequency and I always know where they are during the day. It also means I can’t take a day off work and go shoe shopping with my girls or have lunch with my son, and we can’t have lazy evenings eating greasy pizza and watching old reruns late at night.

I really wish I was independently wealthy, (two years of my current salary would work too) so I could take a year or more off from work and spend all my free time doing things with or for my kids. I would be a stay-at-home mom who would pack special notes in their amazing lunches, have time to listen to everything they wanted to tell me about their day (the patience too), make new quilts for their beds, sew homemade Halloween costumes and have dinners made before 7 pm. Of course, I would also make time for myself so I could finish and sell my book in order to make even more money to stay home.

Before I know it, my oldest will graduate from high school and my daughters will soon follow. Soon I will not have the time I want to spend with them. Until I inherit a fortune from some relative no one has heard of, or I actually enter the lottery and win, I will have to squeeze as many extra seconds out of my day as possible. 

Photo taken from this blog post. Thank you!

I Googled ‘event calendar’ yesterday for the town I live in thinking I would find a multitude of things available to get me off my fat butt during the week. It seems there are a whole lot of support groups in my area—most of them for addiction to alcohol or narcotics. While I do not have an addiction to either of those things, the narcotics anonymous groups have titles that make me think the group is a ball of fun.

Who wouldn't want to participate in a group titled KiSSS? It almost sounds like speed dating (speed as in: n. rapidity in moving, going, traveling, proceeding, or performing; swiftness; celerity: the speed of light; the speed of sound. NOT Amphetamine or methamphetamine)

Other real NA group titles in my area are Addicts R Us (yes, just like Toys R Us, but not nearly as fun) and Monday Madness (this sounds like an amazing Labor Day sale).

I have many of my own ideas for support groups. There are so many things I need support with. I will throw a few out there and take a survey of who might want to join what.  

Mis-Fortune: This could be support for those with actual missed fortunes (they miss all the money they used to have before they trusted Bernie Madoff) or even a support group for accident-prone individuals. This group should not be confused with the beauty contestant information session being held across the hall.

Un-Fare: A support group for over-eaters or individuals who never tip their servers.

It's Gut to Stop: A support group for people who over-internalize all their problems (which may lead to IBS, ulcers and anger-management issues- all of which would have a separate support group).

Visa- Vis: Support group for over-spenders. Helping individuals change their lives, by reversing the charges (so to speak). This is not a get-out-of-debt gimmick, and leaders will not contact your creditors for you.

*My Breastfriend: I am always looking for a little more support for my gigantic breasts. Not sure how this would go down- an entire hour of someone in the group holding your breasts up to give your back a rest, or more of a discussion group on the best bras and plastic surgeons?

*Disclaimer: This name is stolen from a maternity product made to assist with breastfeeding.

Last week I received a letter in the mail telling me I would soon be receiving a U.S. Census to fill out. The government kindly spent money on printing, envelope and stamp to give me a heads up. A few days later my census papers came in the mail. After two days, before I even had a chance to open my census envelope, I received a postcard in my mailbox. The government sent me this card to let me know that I should have received my census already and if I had, to disregard this postcard and please remember to fill out the census and return it. If I hadn’t already received my census, the postcard warned me that I should soon. It’s a good thing they sent this to me because otherwise my census papers may have sat on my table for another few days. It would be a shame if I didn’t send this back within 24-hours of receiving it.

In reality, I don’t have a problem with the census. I am just lazy. My mother, on the other hand, said she would not fill out her forms. Instead, she is going to make the census workers come to her door. She said that for the amount of money they are paying them, they should have to work for it. This bitterness could come from the fact she applied for a position with the census and did not get hired. While my mother wants the taxpayers to get the most from the money they are contributing to pay for the census, she doesn’t have a problem actually giving her information.

I don’t understand the animosity by some, mainly staunch conservatives, toward the census. Several opponents to the Obama administration are urging the public to answer only one of the 10 questions included on the census — the number of people in their household. It’s not like the other nine questions are asking people to reveal their foot fetishes or whether they sleep in the nude. The census asks questions about your sex (not how much or what kind), ethnicity, household size and whether or not you own a home. This seems pretty standard to me. Maybe I am being too laid back about the whole thing, but hasn’t the census been around since 1790? And correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t some of the conservatives who are so upset over the census the same ones that rely on it to fill out their family trees when doing their genealogy? Yes Glenn Beck, I am talking about you.

Whether you feel the country is devising an evil plan to take away your freedoms, or you want to get your taxpayer’s money worth and make the clipboard toting census workers come to your door, I urge you to answer the questions. For goodness sake, the world will not end in the two minutes it takes to fill it out. In fact, the information might be helpful in the next 10 years. If that’s not enough to convince you, the government is kind enough to save you 44 cents and give you a postage-paid envelope to return it in. I’m a sucker for free postage.

Jon and I finally went and saw Avatar 3D last night. Surprisingly, it is still playing in the theater in Pullman. That James Cameron is raking in the money, and after last night I realize the movie theaters are as well. We paid $11.50 for a $8.50 ticket because of the 3D — got some cool black glasses and headed inside. Now, the last 3D movie we went to was Meet the Robinsons and it was pretty amazing. Those glasses looked like classic '80s Oakleys and the kids thought they were great when we brought them home to them (yes, we went without our kids — they were in school).

**Side note: during the advertisements before the show I saw one that made me laugh. A chiropractor was advertising his office with a picture of a person holding their back and grimacing in pain. After the info. for the office it said. Come in for a FREE 15-minute conversation.   Wow, you can get your back adjusted and have a conversation with the chiropractor for free. What a deal!

As we were sitting waiting for the movie to begin I noticed the glasses had a warning message on them. The first is not to wear them out in sunlight as they do not protect against UV light. The second made me angry. There is an anti-theft device built into the glasses. Okay, so the first warning is only for those who manage to get out of the theater (during a daytime showing) with the glasses.

Basically, at the end of the show there was a theater employee there to collect the glasses I had paid $3.00 for. I didn't know rentals could be that pricey.
The attendant thanked the woman behind me after she returned her glasses and as she walked away she said "Yeah, thank YOU, for making sure I gave BACK my glasses."
So, I'm not the only one who found it ridiculous.

Spoiler Alert:
On a lighter note, the movie was pretty good. The colors were amazing and so was the animation. I could have done without all the fighting, especially the 40 minutes it took at the end to kill the scary army guy. As far as movies as metaphors for destroying what isn't ours goes, it was okay. Worth the $11.50? Not so much. I would have been happy watching at home without the 3D and rental glasses.

I wrote this column for the Arts section and thought it was a lot of fun. Feel free to add more of your life lessons.

Robert Fulghum wrote that all you really need to know in life you learned in kindergarten. He included things like play fair; warm cookies and milk are good for you and share everything. While this poem rings true for most times in a person’s life, it doesn’t cover some of the things students encounter in college, specifically at the University of Idaho. So, to demonstrate the concept here is a new list:

Some of the things you need to know about college and life you can learn at the University of Idaho

·        Warm cookies and milk may be good for you, but they’ll cost you more than $5.00.

·        Fifteen minute parking really means 15 minutes.

·        Elevators, no matter what you may think, are slower than taking the stairs.

·        Bullies aren’t just found in grade school.

·        You don’t think you could possibly make more than 500 copies in a semester and then you do.

·        Throwing away your garbage takes a Ph.D.

·        It’s possible to alienate all your friends and co-workers with social networking sites.

·        Just because some one is legally an adult, doesn’t make them a grown-up.

·        Going to WinCo on Sunday is like trying to part the Red Sea.

·        Women’s centers aren’t just for girls.

·        Drinking copious amounts of caffeine doesn’t guarantee you’ll stay awake during class.

·        When the ad says the apartment is 800 sq. ft., only about 300 of it is livable.

·        Sometimes you wonder why “Animal House” is not considered a documentary.

·        Projects that require you to work in a group don’t always promote good relations.

·        Uggs and leggings are not a fashion statement — they are a necessity.

·    

·        College students couldn’t communicate without their opposable thumbs.

·        You should look both ways before crossing the street, even in a crosswalk.

·        Covering your mouth, washing your hands, using hand sanitizer and staying home when you’re sick   won’t always prevent the spread of illness.

·        It’s okay to miss your mom. 

      Happy cows can come from Idaho, even if they have holes in their sides.

·        Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean it isn’t important to someone else.

·        Paying for classes you don’t attend is a waste of money.

·        College doesn’t really prepare you for real life, real life prepares you for college.

·        No matter how old you are, it’s never too late to get an education.

·        Getting the mail can be the most exciting part of the day.

·        Some textbooks were never meant to be read, they were meant to make someone money.

·        You might need notes from your waitress one day, so make sure you tip.

·        The word ‘orientation’ is a misnomer.

·        Misnomer means giving something a wrong or inappropriate name.

·        You don’t care what a misnomer is.

·        Home-cooked meals are cause for celebration.

·        You’re not as smart as you think you are.

·        Having money left in your wallet at the end of the month is an amazing feat.

  And…

  No matter how hard it gets or how overwhelmed you become, you will get through it.

Some of you may have noticed that I have decided to pimp out my blog to Google, so that I could supposedly make revenue off of their "blog relevant" ads. Some of you may also have noticed that the only ads I seem to get featured on my blog have to do with alcohol and drug rehab programs.

I am still trying to figure this one out. I have it narrowed down to two things. First, the fact that one of my blog titles is Intervention, and secondly, that anyone who reads my blog in the first place has to either be slightly drunk, or a little high.

Anyways, if any of you are really in need of any of the "relevant" ads on my blog, I actually would rather not know (plus, I can probably guess who you are anyway.) :)