Welcome to our website !

The Backward Life

“The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress.” —Philip Roth

Introspective, Kind Of Depressing, Somewhat Hopeful

By 1:41 PM , , , , , , , , ,

Friendship Square, Moscow, Idaho

I keep reading these blogs that review the past year-- a year in photos, a year of milestones, a year of highs and lows, a year of new beginnings, a photo-a-day of a happy life.  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have no desire to look back over the last year. Frankly, it wasn't that great. I'm not sure I have high hopes for 2013 either, but I am reserving judgement.

I turn 3-- this month. Okay, so I turn 38. I thought I would have a lot more of my life figured out by now--if not figured out, then at least written in semi-permanent marker in a brainstorm pattern. Instead it's all jumbled up. It's not even good enough to put on a dry erase board. Instead it is written out on an old chalkboard with a piece of really fat chalk. The words are chunky and barely legible and every time I try to erase and do over I choke on the dust pluming around my head.

See, I can't even use a succinct metaphor for my life. It's messy, it's erratic, it's offensive at times and it's always complicated. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad (back to the metaphor)-- sometimes, right in the middle of my messy chalkboard, there  is a beautiful colored-chalk drawing of an idyllic existence. Okay, the edges are usually smudged and it doesn't last long, but it's there-- written in big, loopy letters with hearts and bubbles dotting the i's.

I hear people say all the time they wouldn't change it (their life) for the world. I think that's baloney. Sure, there are things in my life I wouldn't change, but there are a heck of a lot of other things I wouldn't mind tweaking. I would start with parts of myself. I would trim the fat, both literally and figuratively. Lose the pounds, lose the part of myself that is always stunted by the need for approval, cut loose my fear of failure and craving for pastries. I would smooth down the hard edge of self-doubt and skim off all the negative energy sitting up there in my head.

In the end, it's all about being happy. Happy with the choices you have made that create the life you have now. I guess if I am not happy with my life, then I am not happy with my choices. It just means I have to make different choices, better choices. I think I can probably do that in 2013- we'll just have to see.

If you could tweak your life or yourself, what would you tweak?

You Might Also Like


  1. I like your metaphor for life. I am full of metaphors - they spill out all over the place and, yes, my life is messy and complicated. If you think you should have life figured out by 38, get real. I am flabbergasted that I will hit 60 this year - SIXTY. I can't get over that. And I still do not have life figured out. I thought I had it figured out back when I was 38 - then, it seemed all clear but a lot has changed since then. and much has only gotten more and more complicated. I got no answers for you on that one except maybe this: A well lived life is going to be complicated and messy. It means you are thinking, feeling, doing - not just being done to.
    I am not one of those people who say they wouldn't change anything. i would change some pretty big things. But, I didn't know then that that's how it would go. I did the best I could do and I still am doing the best I can. I guess that's all I can really ask for, heh?
    I won't say in public the biggest thing I would change about my life - it would be considered heretical by some. About myself? I wish I knew then what I know now.

  2. I also would change some things, Erin. For one, I would get a brain where financial matters are concerned! And, I, too, would trim the fat. Not too late for that. I wish I could say that's all I would change, but it's not . . . so I'll just try to change from this point forward!
    And, don't you just love Graciewilde?!!