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The Backward Life

“The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress.” —Philip Roth

Woman Implanted With Robot Parts Turns Evil And Takes Over World

By 9:47 AM , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have a broken uterus. Yes, you read that right. It is defective, and has been referred to (by medical professionals) as uncooperative, enlarged, shy and malfunctioning. So, to make it simple, I am referring to it as broken.

Sometimes, broken implies that something is fixable- not in this case. Mine is permanently in disrepair and will soon be kicked to the curb (or at least thrown in a pile of bio waste, or wherever broken uterus go when they die).

I have enlisted the help of robotic arms to rid me of my broken uterus. My son thinks this is dangerous. He has pointed out several times that robots can not be trusted. 'You've seen the movies, Mom,' he says. According to him, I will probably be implanted with some sort of robotic parts that may or may not cause me to have robot babies or try to take over the world.

These images have caused a number of weird dreams, so I have decided to name the robotic arm Rosie. This sounds friendly and helpful- not at all menacing and evil. After all, the maid in The Jetsons was named Rosie, and she was awesome - even if she was a bit bossy and sarcastic at times. I would not be comfortable with a robot named Box or T-300 or Gort.

I have been looking at the positive side of this whole thing, and have come up with the ultimate happy thought. I will actually lose weight from this. A uterus has to weigh at least 8 ounces, right? With mine being all enlarged and stuff, it could feasibly be more like 16. That is a whole pound of weight gone.

Okay, after much research on the InterWebs, I found out the average uterus weighs 100-200 grams and is the size of a women's fist. Mine is probably more the size of a very large man's fist. I then had to find a way to convert grams to ounces, and I found out it is about 3.5 to 7 ounces. Who knows, I could lose a whole 2 pounds depending on how defective I am.

I will have a lot of time on my hands for the next few weeks while I am out of work. I might even step up my game and write a blog post every day. I'm not sure how exciting they will be, but you never know.

I saw these plush toys at the WSU bookstore. I guess I could get one if I  feel lonely after my uterus is gone. It's a little weird though.

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